Court TV

I love Court TV.

I have been awaiting for the Fla. Vs. Joseph Smith case to end, and trying to ever so patiently. Joseph Smith was found guilty for the murder and rape of Carly Brucia. Carly Brucia was an 11 year old girl just walking home and was taken by this man. They had just about all the evidence in the world a prosecutor would want to take with them to court. DNA, video tape, confession on paper and on recorded telephone conversations from jail. You name it they had it.

So what am I waiting for?

For the second phase of the trial to end, the penalty phase. Joseph Smith is facing the death penalty and he deserves the death penalty for what he did. During this penalty phase his lawyers have called to the stand people he used to know, but I am wondering why that matters because people change, and people are totally different on drugs. He blames it on the drugs, but won't admit to what he did. When you choose to do drugs and do something even more stupid and something as horrific as what he did, gives you no excuse for doing it. It does not make it okay nor does it make it legal, or a insanity plea.

How could someone do such a horrific thing. Someone they say is a great father to 2 young girls, and loving person. If he loved so much how could he take away the love of someone else? I am so appalled by this man, and so anxious to see and hoping that he gets what is coming to him. I have been glued to the television wondering what was going to happen to him.

I have been praying for Carly Brucia's family everyday hoping that justice will prevail for this wonderful child. I keep asking myself how could someone do such a thing, but the answer is because he felt like it and had no care. She is in a better place and I am sure watching over and hoping justice will prevail just like everyone else is.

Carly,
I am so sorry for what happened to you and even though you are not here physically I know that you are around. I am glad that he left so much evidence to be convicted and that he was caught for your families sake. I will pray everyday until it happens that he gets what he deserves.

Looking On!!

I am to be starting school soon and I am very excited. I can't wait to learn and grow to someone better. I have 6 years and hopefully I will be set, no more living paycheck to paycheck. I can't wait, I am so excited I want to start now.

I have also been doing quite a bit of research because my fiance and I eventually want to move out of state. I was looking into Vermont and New Hampshire and I never realized how beautiful it is there. I would love to live there out in the country. I am carrying my head up high and looking on to see what the future has in store for us. I can't wait to succeed and prove to myself that I can do it. To be able to give to my daughter without question, to make sure she gets everything she will need to grow and be a bright and wonderful person. I am yearning to grow and be the best I can, and I can't wait to start on this adventure.

I want to give to my daughter the love and care and life I did not receive. My daughter is disabled, that is hard enough to deal with alone, but I want her to know that she is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me and I want her to feel like a normal person. I want to be able to get her the technology she will need to go to school and to do her homework. She is my inspiration, and now I am holding my head up high and can't wait for the wonderful years ahead.

Another Day!

Well these past couple of days have been so much fun.

Last night I learned that I do not do anything and that my fiance wants me to take care of our daughter, clean and have dinner on the table by the time he gets home. I started to laugh at him and told him that if I don't do anything then I really won't. I then gave him our daughter and came to play on the computer when he tells me that if I don't take care of our daughter I am worth nothing and need to leave.

So now in the past couple of weeks I have learned that he doesn't care about me, I get in his way and what he expects of me and if I don't do it I am worth nothing. Really makes me feel good about myself.

I really need to go out and get away from him, so I think I am going out of Friday and not inviting him and not doing anything for him from now on. Obviously what I do do isn't good enough and I am definetly not doing what he wants me to do because I will not do that, I am not his wife or his maid.

I also had an appointment today for our daughter. She reached all of her goals we set for her, that is her school and I, so today we set some new goals and hopefully she does well and we can start teaching her to walk with a walking stick. I still have lots of stuff to figure out with her eating as well as her sensory issues. Hopefully we can get that stuff taken care of and figured out. Well this is just another day and same old same old to deal with.

Well, where do I begin.

Today Jeremy came home and I asked him for some help with our daughter because I have a bunch of organizing and cleaning to do and I can't get anything done with Anna. What does he have the nerve to say to me? He says, why do you need help what the hell were you doing today? He tells me that I don't do anything and that I don't do anything with Anna. I don't clean or cook, or teach my daughter things or anything. I sit on my ass all fucking day, get all the sleep I want to and play on the computer. Who makes him dinner, obviously not me, and I definetly don't take care of my daughter all day and night so he can get his time to himself.

So I have officially quit, told him just now he had to get a sitter for Anna tomorrow and he says what for. I obviously don't take care of her so he is just going to have to figure it out. I quit, he says I don't do anything, well he is going to get me not doing anything. I have had it, I just want away from him. Anna has her school appointment tomorrow, looks like Jeremy is going to have to figure that one out too. I have been up all day and night yesterday and today, taking care of our daughter who doesn't like to sleep. Teaching her things and working on stuff with her constantly for him to tell me I don't do shit. I am so pissed off at this point, I can't stand him and his poor me, take care of me like I am a child shit.

Anyways I have officially quit, I am done doing for anyone but myself. I am going out this weekend, and having the greatest time and hopefully not coming home. Maybe he will understand how much growing up he needs to do.

So Tired!

I am so tired of life. I need to vent so bare with me.

I am so tired of always being the strong one, never being able or allowed to deal with anything I need to deal with, no time for me. It is one thing after another and I can't stand it.

Lets start from the begining. I am 21 years old currently, and I have been on my own since I was 16. My mother died on November 18, 2000. My life has been flipped upside down and inside out since then. I was kicked out of the house the day after she died and I was living from place to place to place until 2.5 years ago. At one point I was living in my broke down car in the middle of winter. I hated that no one cared where I was or how I was. It broke my heart to come to the realization of that. I hated waking up day after day wondering how I was going to eat, or where I could shower, or how I was going to get a job if I didn't have an address or a telephone number. But somehow in there I managed to graduate on time, don't know how but I did, and 3 people came to see me walk and recieve my diploma, my sister and her husband and son. I had lost all of my friends after my mom died, I don't know why but I did.

So now here I am 2.5 years later, and feel the same way I did when that happened. I am engaged and have a wonderful daughter who is 1 yr. old. I feel this way because my life is going nowhere. I am unable to work because my daughter is blind, and when I brought up school to my fiance, he says, you aren't going to finish and I don't want more debt. Finding out about my daughter is one of the toughest things I had to hear, and not once have I ever been able to deal with it, everyone tells me it's ok, you will be fine. I am tired of people saying stupid bullshit to me when they have no idea what it is like. I have no one to talk to except my fiance's aunt, which is nice but it is hard when no one else really knows what I am going through besides my fiance and I can't talk to him about anything. I am just supposed to take care of everything and be the strong one. WELL I QUIT. I am tired of doing that. I would like for once someone to be proud of me. It doesn't matter what I do either I don't do it good enough, or it gets in the way of other peoples life. Like my fiance for example, I really believe he doesn't want me to go to school because then he would have to help more with his daughter. That is the kind of person he is.

I found out my daughter was blind on April 14, 2005. She had seen an optomolegist before that but not a pediatric optomolegist. My heart broke, I was in shock for so long, and I really think I still am. My daughter has Optic Nerve Hypoplasia (ONH), and still to this day all I can think about is what I did to make her that way, even though they say it just happens and they don't know what causes it. I am mentally exhausted with her, trying to teach her things I have no idea how, and no one else can help because no one I know has ever had to deal with it. She does have some teachers that help but all the say is keep trying, they don't know either. Developmentally right now she is a 5 mo. old, so she is 7 mo. behind and it is near impossible for me to get her to solid foods. I have been trying for about 2 mo. and to this day she still gags and won't touch it. I am out of answers, don't know what to do, and no one to help.

Since I am an at home mother, my fiance thinks that I sit on my ass and don't do anything, little does he realize how much I go through just to get her to do one thing. I am looked at as a horrible person if I ask for help, and if I don't I will go crazy. I can't get a babysitter for the life of me, most of the people think she is just too much work. With all of this I am sitting here with a fiance who shows no interest in me or wanting to be with me. I don't know if it is pity in the fact that if he were to leave us we would be living in a shelter, or if it is the fact that he is trying to prove something to himself to not be like his father. We don't spend any time together, I have to ask to spend time with him, and he doesn't want to ever take me out on a date, it is a waste of time and money to him. So I am 21 years old and I have been out to the bar 3 times, once because it was my birthday and 2 times with his aunt and uncle. I don't have friends to go out with, I don't have a significant other to go out with, and we share a car so I am stuck at home 24/7.

I am so sick and tired of this shit. All I have ever wanted is for someone to be proud and care about me, and there is no one to do that. I feel so lonely and empty. We got into it again tonight because he got mad that I don't trust him. Everytime he gets invited to go out he turns into a whole new person, where he doesn't give a shit about us, wants to be single again, blah blah blah. I always here I don't care, I don't know if I want to be with you, you disgust me and that is why I don't spend time with you, but the next day its oh I love you, I do care, I don't know what you are talking about I never said that. After all this he expects me to not only feel the same way about him but to trust him like I did before. Trust him around other women when he tells me he wants to be single all the time, then changes his mind. I have about had it. I can't take it anymore. Why can't he just care about me and act like it, and be proud of me and give me some credit for what I do do. He hates the fact that I have no one else to lean on and threw in my face that I depend on him too much. Frankly I don't have a choice and now it is even worse because I am not able to work.

Everytime I finally make plans, have to cancel cause there is no money. I can't even remember the last time I went out or got some time to myself. He acts like all I wanna do is spend time with him, but I WOULD LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, to get away from him for awhile. He tells me that my time to myself is going grocery shopping on my day off once a week. Gee thanks, I appreciate it so much. I am so fed up with this life I lead. I am sitting here wondering why he is with me if I am so awful. I am also sitting here wondering where my life is going, and wondering what the hell I am doing, he thinks of me as a maid, or his mother, and I am here to take care of his kid, do all the cleaning and cooking and anything he needs, while he goes to work M-F and comes home and sleeps cause he is so tired. I am going non stop and for once I wish he could fit me in his busy life to care about whether or not I am tired. But I am tired of venting right now so here it is.